What a relief the mind-numbing nominating conventions are over. The God-bless-Americans are ready to ponder the state of our union and endure campaign strategies whipped up in the blender of political back rooms. We have our two candidates whose faces are breaking in two because of all the smiling they’ve been doing and right hands which are painfully being reshaped by eager constituents shaking them for hours each day.
I have a solution for the confused voter if they can’t decide between the two candidates. My sweet, pouty cat, Henry, ten minutes after the last balloon fell on the presidential contenders’ heads, decided to form a Third Party and named himself as a presidential contender. I will let him postulate on his magnanimous decision.
“Hello to my fellow Americans.” Henry purrs out his feline delight. “I want to include all animals and humans in my remarks. Let us come together under God’s big umbrella of all his created species. Our world is in dire straits and I aim to offer creative and lasting solutions to every problem. And I am a proud all one color handsome cat with black fur and black whiskers and yellow empathetic eyes.
“My presidential slogan is: ‘We Meow For You!’
“My theme song is sung by the gospel choir of the Purrfect Church of Tempe, Arizona. It touches me and makes me purr in high octave C like no other song. Hear it now on: http.//purr.hiss.forAmericaandhomelesscats.org.
“I have chosen my vice-presidential running mate carefully. Leland, my cousin from Flagstaff, Arizona, has agreed to be by my side and claw anyone who opposes me. My other dear cousin, Bindy, is of good moral character and will be our chief chef. Since eating is a huge priority for me as I make many important decisions, I must have her fish cakes and mouse head pie on a daily basis. However, we will recruit TV chefs to cook for the humans in my administration. Grumpy Cat will be my press secretary and I know he will make hiss-story with purr-fect statements. Felix the Cat, who comes with high recommendations, agreed to be my Secretary of State. My secret service agents will be led by James K.A.T. Bond.
“We will fight hard to end poverty. Charity begins at my home so I’ve recruited Garfield, famous cartoon character. He will use his cute, devious ways to obtain wealth from rich retirees, Hollywood stars and business gurus and give to the poor. His secret nomenclature is Robin Hood.
“I plan to marry my neighbor, Miss Charlotte Finicky, before taking office. Her beauty and charm will enhance the atmosphere of the Gray House. Yes, the White House must change color to be neither white nor black but gray, a fine suggestion from my lovely fiancé, who has sophisticated, sensitive taste and non-prejudiced heart attitudes.
“Combat trained cats are ready to claw terror suspects apart around the world. Led by the Storm Troopers from Star Wars, fearless felines foam at the mouth and cough up radioactive hairballs which drop from drones that disintegrate our enemies. No need to fear, combat creepy cats are here.
“I have big plans for the Gray House. I insist on a dog-free zone in a one-mile radius around it. There will be a comfy bed in the oval office since I do my best thinking on a bed and not a desk, but since I am shy by nature, hiding under a bed also comforts me.” Here Henry purrs at the very thought of a long nap in the most famous house in our beloved America. “I will build kitty condos for homeless cats on the south lawn. Let’s leave no cat behind.
“To offer comfort and patriotic thinking, there will also be red, white and blue litter boxes in every wing of the Gray House, so choose whichever and whatever works for your feline fancy. Paw sanitizer will be available in tuna fragrance.
“Please visit my website, ‘hiccup.hairball.withlove.com’ to view more of my presidential reforms and see photos of me and my campaign staff. God bless you and the USA! Meow! Meow!”